Guess how lazy my mother is? Their (their being hers and the bastard she married) anniversary is in another 6 weeks. Whooptee fucking doo. I can blow my paycheck and still have enough money in 6 weeks to get them a card for free. MS-Paint. Anything else is for pussies.

Back to the point: My mother is so lazy, she employed some random fat girl from church to come and cook dinner. Okay, fine I don't care. Then I realized she was cooking spaghetti. Noodles, and tomatoes. NOT FOOD. Food, is a BLT. The xii BLT. Bacon, 18 strips of bacon. 6 Tomatoes, Onions, Lettuice, and tobasco sauce. You NEVER eat anything without tobasco sauce. GOT IT!? If I catch you doing otherwise I'll shove an infant down your throat.

About 3 hours later (because it takes women that long to cook) the food is ready. Okay fine, since you're going to be a bitch about me eating anything else I'll do it.

No.

The instant the spaghetti hit my tounge, I put down my plate, my eyes burst into flames and my bowels turned into water. Everything for the next half hour tasted like a cat crawled into my mouth, puked, then exploded.

And that's all I have to say about that.

So it's Friday night. I happen to live in one of those bullshit towns where you're unlucky enough to have a Wal-Mart. If your life doubly sucks, that's where 90% of all the teenagers hang out. (The other 10% hang out at Hobby Lobby and get into fights because Todd listens to a different radio station than Jake.)

Wal-Mart wasn't bad, that's just where I was all evening. I get home to the remembered epiphamy that my mother recently bought father a fax machine, AND a Fossil watch for their Anniversary. (Which is another 6 weeks away............) This is bad since my father is one of the laziest luddites I've ever had this misfortune of raising me. How I came out a genius is one of those questions that will never be answered. (Another one is "How does Paris Hilton live with herself")

I sit down at the computer, and find a piece of paper:

"Son, can you try to hook up this fax machine?"

Looking at the fax machine, I didn't need to guess. I already knew what the situation was before I even did look at it. All dad had done, was unpack the fax machine, place it on the filing cabinet, and expect me to do the rest of the work.

Dad Did you get it working?
xiiNope
Dad Why not?
xii From the looks of it, all you did was unpack the thing and expect me to do the rest of the work.
Dad Well you're better with technology than I am son...

Let the record show he has no problem operating a remote control, or heating burritos up in the microwave. But plugging up a fax machine is damn well impossible.

So let's see, we've got a fax machine, and install disk, and...SWEET PIGSHIT! WHAT'S THIS!??

It's a product manual. I wonder what this is for. Folks listen, stop being stupid as hell and acting like you don't know what to do just to put your kids to work. No one know banged his wife with the though "I can't wait til my kid grows up! I can make him do shit that's too hard for me like taking my shoes off. Where would I be if I didn't have a son to wipe the shit from my face when he gets pissed off and gives me the dirty Sanchez?"

You'd be in the poor home my luddite friend. Half of the fuckers reading this think I'm a bad son. The other half applaud me because I'm one of the few exceptions where dumbfuck parents, raised a genius child.

I recently read a fucking 7 paged thread with people going "you're stupid, your ideology sucks therefore, ergo, furthermore" complaining about the quality of EA Sports Madden 2006 for the PSP. (I have the game, albeit it's a piece of shit, but that's not what I'm here to talk about.)

Yea okay the game is crappy, but come on, EA has been around since 198x, has published literally hundreds of games. How much of an impact to horny teenagers stand when their parents are the ones who buys them the games in the first place? EA stands a better chance of having irate teenagers at them than if 500 of the little bastards blew up their schools, and had their parents tell them "NO, YOU CAN'T BUY NBA LIVE 2010! YOU BLEW UP THE FUCKING SCHOOL REMEMBER?" (That should be followed by a Maddox bitch slap to the face)

Quite honestly, all of the morons who spend their time boycotting EA would do better to sit on their hands, and wait for NFL Blitz to make a third comeback, and prophetically (the prophecy you're reading about here) kick every other sports game in the balls. Because you know it will happen. I have spoken.

You want a generic football game? Fine, go buy NFL Street. Everyone knows pro-atheletes don't play in the street unless they're being paid by the United Way to take a visit to South Central California and try to teach bitch children with guns how to play football. You don't play street football in the middle of abandoned warehouse yards. You play it in the street. Cluetrain kicking in? Good, I was about to punch the fucker in the face who dare disagree with me. I PLAYED STREET FOOTBALL!!

I bet you dollars to donuts the closest thing that mama's boy Donovan McNabb has ever seen to street football is a group of wetback children kicking a soccerball at a cat trying to knock it out of a tree. (If you're willing to take up this bet, leave a comment.)

Now, the flip side is this: Yes Madden football games suck. You can play as the New England Patriots in any Madden release after 2002 and will beat anyone by a field goal. For better reference, play as any SuperBowl winning team the year that game was released and you'll beat anyone.

Dumbass: But dude, you play Madden all the time, why make fun of it?.
xii: But Dumbass, you make fun of fat chicks all the time, why fuck them when you're drunk?

Stop being pussies and complaining about a video game. You've got better things to complain about. I'd hate to see one of you people campaign for president..

Media:Mr President, how do you plan on solving the nations energy crisis?
You, the dumbass: By destroying John Madden.



This is the end of the rant, and you know I'm right.

That's right. I'm back. Don't know where the hell I went but I'm back. Should you have a problem with this, and you find my utterances of irate vociferation (redundancy) offensive, go die in a fire. I don't give a fuck.

Not going to happen, so stop reading now you fucking tools.

 

So what makes Terri Shiavo so amazing that her family deserves overly publicized bullshit?  Well, her parents brought it on themselves by going to the supreme court because they couldn't get her feeding tube reinserted.  How about this: If I die, and I don't get media shit, I'm going to haunt some people and give people strokes you fucks. 

 Terri Shiavo isn't any different from your Uncle Joe, or Aunt Marcy.  She isn't any different than my foot who apparently can't do anything good except kick small children.  She isn't any more special than my mentally retarded dog who can't tell my couch from a tree and thinks he can damn well shit whever he wants so let's take a step back and analyze what we have:  Terri Shiavo is dead, and people mourn and weep for someone who for what they care could have been a total bitch.  (like me)

Don't get me wrong, when anyone dies it's some sad shit.  But Dan Rather shouldn't be involved.  As a matter of fact, he shouldn't have been involved in the first place before she even died.  I came up with this solution, I'm going to jump infront of a mack truck, hope I don't die but only come out paralyzed and watch nothing happen.  I won't get any media attention, I won't get endorsements from a bedpan company, and I won't get cameras in my room 24/7.  Which makes me wonder how the hell her parents let that shit go on.  Did they seriously care about that girl?  

 Does John Doe in California give a rat's ass when Jane Smith in Georgia contracts AIDS?  Probably not.  Point made, taken and shoved up your ass.  Get over it.

The guy Caroline's party telling bad jokes and getting bitch slapped by Seth Moore in Tony Hawk 3...that was me.

The guy who 10 minutes after leaving got pulled over for swerving while trying to eat a cheeseburger...that we me.

 The guy who threw the cheeseburger at the cop and sped off...that was me.

The guy who got chased down and beat down by an irate cop with baked beans all over his face..that was me.

The guys who drove past Wendys and yelled "FOURTY-SIX" really loud wasn't me.  The guy who jumped in his car and through a notebook at them was me.

 

Many thanks once again to Caroline for inviting me to a party..although I was there for maybe..twenty minutes..or something.    Good times.   Let me know if you do one this weekend, I'm up for it.

I was talking to clay and thinking how awesome of a dad I would be considering I'd let my son do a lot of things. This is how an average day with my son and I would be like:

1. We'd wake up
2. Watch some episodes of spongebob
3. converse how squidward isn't even a squid because his head is round and he's only got 6 arms
4. decide to find some food
6. realize we forgot number 5
7. 8. and 9. discover we both had multiple personalities
10. Play some madden 2005 in the back yard

and we'd have a merry old time.  There would be no rules cause my son would be a bastard (you know...illegitimate) and everything would be okay.

By the way, if you're wondering why I didn't play an April fools joke on you, it's because you're not worthy.
 

I'm fucking tired of seeing people write half assed rants just to get attention and people to read their shitty livejournals.  Writing rants about words that are overused.  I recently saw one site where a guy said 'metrosexual' sounded like a word that would be used when someone has sex with a train.  GOOD FUCKING JOB OVER-ANALYZING THE SITUATION YOU POMPOUS PRICK.

What's worse than this?  I recently saw a commercial for a product called BLING IT ON.  I don't know if they purposely ruined the name of a horrible teen movie, or if they really were trying to sell stickers with shiny beads attached to them so you could instantly turn your favorite possession into a blinding worthless piece of shit possesion with "BLING" on it.  Please.  Just go and die.

As a matter of fact, I've noticed that whenever something cool comes out, society subverts it and just makes it wrong.  I recall the time when saying bling bling meant you were someone who knew what the hell you were talking about.  Now, half the fuckers who go around saying "OH SHIT YO! BLING BLING!" after they see a new pair of socks can't even tell me who came up with damned thing in the first place.

So when I get to hell, I'll see you all down there because the Gods are mad at you for ruining life.  Please, make things easier and fuck yourself.